How these DOs keep their relationships strong

Success in one’s life is often rooted in the relationships we build with others. Whom you choose to be in a relationship with long-term is likely one of the most important decisions you’ll make because of how closely this person can impact your nervous system and how you operate. Your partner can serve as a key source of encouragement and strength.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, we explore how relationships grow through time and what helps physicians thrive in their relationships. I find the evolution of relationships to be intriguing, especially as we consider how the memories and experiences from our past influence our current and future relationships. Our childhood traumas, core memories and patterns of communication can greatly impact the growth and trajectory of our relationships.

Sacred space

Sacredness in a relationship is cultivated through genuine and non-judgmental interactions that become more meaningful over time. Mark Baldwin, DO, and his wife, Mary, share that they are best friends.

“We may not agree, but I respect her opinions and views,” said Dr. Baldwin. “We’ve each gone through our dark night of the soul, and were able to comfort and help each other grow in a nonjudgmental way.” Dr. Baldwin mentions that his hospital chaplains talk about presence.

“As physicians, we want to diagnose, serve a treatment plan, then move on, but you can’t do that at home,” he states. “Allowing people to grow in their direction on their own time is hard.” Relationships serve as your spiritual teacher, and you learn more about yourself by doing what’s best for your partner. Mary shares that being heard is also extremely important and adds, “no judgment is the best emotional support you can receive.”

Cultivating a sacred space together allows for partners to feel safe to express their thoughts and emotions. Often our bodies and minds grow quiet enough to tune into the feelings of the other person.

Candice Weaver, DO, family and lifestyle medicine physician, shares that in her relationship with her husband, “we don’t keep secrets or harbor anger, jealousy, resentment or anything that slowly erodes a relationship.” This allows for greater trust to grow between two people in relationship with one another and a chance to show full expressions around each other.

Sacredness can be cultivated by creating the space for spiritual practices, such as mindfulness meditation, in relationships. Miko Rose, DO, a member of The DO Editorial Advisory Board, and her wife of four years, Colleen, share that the body cannot heal if it is not in a sacred space.

“It starts with making coffee with great care,” they agreed. Colleen notes that she and Dr. Rose also make time to explore their innermost feelings together.

“We go down the stairs to get there,” Dr. Rose adds, expressing a symbolic act that primes the body for reflection. “It’s not about going to a place outside of yourself. It’s about allowing for that space to come in because it’s already here. Every morning we listen to a meditation series. It is about dropping into the calmness that is already within us, allowing that natural sacredness and presence to resonate more deeply.” Through these practices, one can show up more fully in their authentic selves with one another.

Common goals & differences

Different career paths can bring complementary skills and perspectives into a relationship. Dr. Rose mentions that her previous relationships were with people in high-profile or high-power careers. Colleen is self-employed, working with energy medicine through bioenergy sensitization techniques developed by M.T. Morter Jr., MD. She helps her clients balance their autonomic, muscular, circular, digestive and hormonal imbalances to create greater balance within the body.

“Your emotions held in the subconscious interfere with energy flow, and when stagnant, it becomes a medical condition,” she notes. “By clearing emotions, it allows energy to flow without interference.”

Colleen has recently gone back to complete her undergraduate education with a focus on demonstrating efficacy on nontraditional healing to reduce mental health symptoms. She hopes to conduct research in this area in the future.

“The differences keep me balanced and it’s refreshing,” Dr. Rose says.

Colleen says she sees more similarities than differences between herself and Dr. Rose. “When it comes down to it, we are whole beings,” she says.

In her career path, Colleen looks into the root causes of illness. This complements the osteopathic philosophy, which emphasizes the interconnection of all the body’s systems and the body’s capacity for healing.

As a couple, Dr. Rose and Colleen make efforts to approach life decisions as a team. When Dr. Rose was offered an opportunity as founding dean at an osteopathic medical school in Pennsylvania, they realized together that this path aligned with a higher calling.

For Dr. Baldwin and Mary, although they have different careers, they share a common vision of improving their community through volunteering. Dr. Baldwin also shares that, “in medicine we are in a people business. It’s important to understand people from all different backgrounds.”

When Dr. Baldwin worked in a dialysis unit, Mary baked pumpkin and zucchini loaves to share, further fostering a welcoming community. While he was involved with an internal medicine residency program, Mary hosted dinner for residents, while also supporting events at the Arkansas College of Osteopathic Medicine (ARCOM). Dr. Baldwin shares, “We want to treat medical students in a way that we would have wanted to be treated.”

Mary agrees, saying, “I love to listen to where all the students come from, what emotions they feel and what’s going on in their lives at this point. Sometimes they feel lost. You need to respect them and understand how much they are giving.”

Dr. Weaver met her husband in medical school. He later became head of prototyping and cloud engineering (PACE) for a tech company. She says she enjoys the fact that they work in different fields.

“When you’re in school, you spend the majority of your time in class, then talking about class,” she says. “He allowed me to not be consumed by medicine.”

Dr. Weaver also mentions that she and her husband take one day out of the year for their own administrative work in their relationship. “My husband is an engineer, so he pulls out the excel sheet and we plan out our budget for school, vacation, etc. Time management is key. I am the planner and he is the doer and we set aside that day out of the year to go somewhere nice while the kids are in school.”

How our partners influence us

Relationships can be a catalyst for growth, as we are encouraged to see things from another’s perspective and learn from our partner.

Dr. Rose shares that being with Colleen changed her vision of success. On relationships, she mentions “I changed my view to, does this person make me happy? Am I a better version of myself? Are we able to achieve things we never could have imagined on our own? Physicians tend to be perfectionists, and in relationships, that mentality doesn’t always serve that. Things that are unsuccessful or messy are opportunities to sit in that moment and go inward. The discomfort is that sacred space.”

Dr. Weaver mentions, “my husband has taught me to be more patient while offering different perspectives. We complement each other in synergistic ways. The things I miss, he has, and vice versa.”

Pearls of wisdom

I asked our couples for pearls of wisdom to share with our readers, to which Colleen replied, “evolve yourself in the relationship and see where discomfort lands.” Being mindful in a relationship nurtures your intentions with the other person and allows for inner growth.

Dr. Weaver shares the importance of offering your partner space and knowing your partner’s love language. “Serve their love language. Often, people treat their partners the way they want to be treated based on how they love, but you should be aware of their love languages and cater to them.”

Mary shares the importance of patience. “A lot of people go too fast and don’t have the patience to listen, accept and process. They’ll make judgments too quickly.”

Dr. Baldwin encourages others to address discomfort in their relationship early on to avoid the issue growing into something more complex.

“Relationship problems don’t start overnight,” he says. “It’s a slow process, like an ulcer or cancer, and unless you tend to it, it gets bigger.”

Dr. Baldwin also recommends taking time to appreciate the small joys of life with your partner. Treat each phase of life as an adventure to go on together. Currently, the couple is joyously planning their move to the Midwest.

Relationships are a portal for inner growth and transformation. Through patience, understanding and humble awareness, we can see past our own perspective to create more genuine connections. No matter your romantic status, I hope you enjoy a very happy Valentine’s Day!

Related reading:

Making time for the little joys of life amid the bustle of medicine

The lost third space: Rediscovering community and connection in modern society